Category: Satire
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Shocking truth now: Ozark school board sidesteps voters?
OZARK, MO — The Ozark R-6 School Board is dodging voters, hiding under the skirts of School Attorney Celynda L. Brasher, a big school muckety muck from a big snooty wooty lawfirm in St. Louie. Click here for more. Word is that Ms. Brasher is cool with the school sidestepping voters in the upcoming April… Read more
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Library board erupts in a new conflict
The crowd is on its feet, chanting, pressing against the stage. Beefy, close cropped security guards are on full alert. The announcer blasts, “Are you ready to rock? Get ready for The Ally Echoes!” (He says it like this: Allllyyyy Echooooooooooes!!!) A tsunami of cheers resembles a hurricane force roar, as the Ally Echoes take… Read more
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10 daring ways to lose weight effectively and permanently
If you’re a little on the fluffy side, read this article and you’ll feel as comfortable as you do after binging chocolate chip ice cream from the bucket. And we all need to feel good these days. 10 DARING WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT 2. A sip of gasoline before eating. Though not proven scientifically, this… Read more
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Why mental health agencies now twist our kids to transition
Claim: Mental health agencies are getting money to now twist our kids to transition. (Encourage, promote and validate feelings of gender dysphoria among minors.) I deliver food on the Doordash app. Every time I drop off to a mental health agency featuring minors as their clients, they are splashed with pro transgender propaganda and rainbows.… Read more
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Election Day was now yesterday?
CHRISTIAN COUNTY, MO — Yesterday, Tuesday, was April 2. It was cool, cloudy, and a bit rainy at times. Not a friendly day. Oh, and it was election day. Oops. Most voters didn’t vote on election day. They forgot, or didn’t remember, which is somewhat similar. Ozark School Bored (I mean, Board!) Those who voted,… Read more
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The eclipse now comes to blind us!
CHRISTIAN COUNTY, MO — The solar eclipse is scheduled for April 8, 2024, weather permitting. No rain date has been set, so check your calendars! Depending upon the location of your body relative to the location of the sun, you may or may not notice it getting darker midday April 8. If you do, don’t… Read more
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White House ice cream scandal now explained!
OLDFIELD, MO — BREAKING NEWS: The White House ice cream scandal is finally explained to me, Johnny Rooster, the publisher of the Christian County Trumpet! After weeks of attempting to contact the aging Chief Executive, to no avail, regarding his misuse of federal tax dollars for a new ice cream parlor added to the White… Read more
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Ozark School Board now run like a gang?
OZARK, MO — Is it possible the Ozark R-6 Board of Education is operating like a street gang? Now, don’t get the idea that the board members are wearing gang colors and bandanas on their heads. They aren’t decked in matching jackets or neck tats (least, not that I can tell!) From the way the… Read more
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A Tale of Two Santas
In the quiet little town, a celebration was in the works. On a warm, sunny November day, the little town kicked off its first Christmas market in its recently acquired event center. The old building and the little town were full of hope for a new Christmas season. The mayor got in on it, bringing… Read more
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Bring Your Popcorn to Courtroom Drama Now!
OzARK, MO — Not sure if popcorn will be allowed, but if you’re up for a good courtroom drama, come see The City of Sparta vs. Johnny Rooster at 1:30 p.m. Thursday, July 20 in Judge Doug Bacon’s courtroom in Ozark, MO. Courtroom Drama Plaintiff Former Sparta Mayor Jenni Davis, known for being dramatic and… Read more
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Ozark School Board shames one of their own!
Ozark School Board member Christina Tonsing gets reprimanded for reaching out to the public for input. Read more
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Perversion of Justice Part 2: Screen shots now don’t lie!
Part 2 of a perversion of justice involving Sparta police. Read more
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New Sparta mayor, aldermen sworn in in front of The Great Wall
SPARTA,MO— Misty Holt was sworn in as new mayor of Sparta last night. About 35 people were in the audience. I ate too many cookies and drank too much punch afterwards. But that’s ‘cos I didn’t have supper. Scroll down to the bottom to see stuff I made fun of. It’s called comedy, so relax.… Read more
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And now, farewell, my friends!
OLDFIELD, MO — You’ve heard the saying, “all good things must come to an end.” Well, friends, fans, and enemies, it’s time to say: Farewell. I began publishing the Christian County Trumpet in mid August of last year. Since then, the blog site has seen approximately 46,000 views from nearly 19,000 visitors from around the… Read more
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CCT exclusive risky interview with Sparta Mayor!!
SPARTA, MO — Sparta isn’t just an ancient Greek historical site. No way, man! It’s a quiet little town nestled somewhere on Missouri Highways 125 and 14. There’s stuff going on. Like, stuff to manage and be Sparta mayor! So, being the hip, cool, Oldfield rural reporter guy that I am, I decided to break… Read more
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Christian County Treasurer now leaks secrets to the CCT!
OZARK, MO — Few, if any, current publications have the savvy to solicit such juicy details! Yes, the winningest Christian County Treasurer in modern history now leaks secrets to the Christian County Trumpet. Secrets too delicious to hide! Warning to you unbelievers out there… Many of you will read this and think “impossible.” And yet,… Read more
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Exclusive interview: CCT now catches up with Dr. Bauman!
BREAKING NEWS OZARK, MO — The CCT caught up with Dr. Chris Bauman for an exclusive interview recently! Our publisher caught a glimpse of something white and round in the produce isle at the Ozark Price Cutter just the other day. Thinking it odd that a cantaloupe could move on its own, our man quickly… Read more
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Lawyer on school board now poo-poos “nonsense” of the CCT
OZARK, MO — Jeff Laney, lawyer and member of the Ozark R-VI school board, reacted via e-mail to the “nonsense” of the CCT. Below is the interaction between CCT editor and publisher Johnny Rooster and Mr. Laney: Re-election decision nonsense Inbox Johnny Rooster <christiancountytrumpet@gmail.com> Jan 10, 2023, 2:31 PM (2 days ago) to JeffLaney Mr. Laney, Could… Read more
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Saga of a struggling new rock band
A new sound. A new band. Albeit, a struggling new rock band. Following is their story: The van won’t start. Again. Chesick slumps over an open hood. Steam rises like a morning fog from the gurgling guts of the radiator. The sudden blare of the horn sends him scrambling backward! From the driver’s seat, Bauman… Read more
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How the Grinch stole the substitute teacher
The Grinchy Superintendent denies a qualified substitute teacher in the wake of a teacher shortage! Read more