Category: Comedy
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So now I called Joe Biden on the phone
I’ll admit, I didn’t think the White House operator would put me through to the president. Not because he’d be off doing presidential things; I figured he wasn’t in. Perhaps at a local ice cream parlor. Napping in the West Wing. On a Delaware beach. Picking out sunglasses. You know, important stuff. “Hello?” his voice… Read more
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Truth now: My odd GOP experience
SPRINGFIELD, MO — As a conservative Republican, I was taken aback by an odd experience with GOP zealots last Friday. A Facebook friend posted a video of a meeting of conservatives in progress at a local establishment. Intrigued, I decided to drive over to the Springfield restaurant to check it out. A group of familiar… Read more
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10 daring ways to lose weight effectively and permanently
If you’re a little on the fluffy side, read this article and you’ll feel as comfortable as you do after binging chocolate chip ice cream from the bucket. And we all need to feel good these days. 10 DARING WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT 2. A sip of gasoline before eating. Though not proven scientifically, this… Read more
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Why mental health agencies now twist our kids to transition
Claim: Mental health agencies are getting money to now twist our kids to transition. (Encourage, promote and validate feelings of gender dysphoria among minors.) I deliver food on the Doordash app. Every time I drop off to a mental health agency featuring minors as their clients, they are splashed with pro transgender propaganda and rainbows.… Read more
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Election Day was now yesterday?
CHRISTIAN COUNTY, MO — Yesterday, Tuesday, was April 2. It was cool, cloudy, and a bit rainy at times. Not a friendly day. Oh, and it was election day. Oops. Most voters didn’t vote on election day. They forgot, or didn’t remember, which is somewhat similar. Ozark School Bored (I mean, Board!) Those who voted,… Read more
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The eclipse now comes to blind us!
CHRISTIAN COUNTY, MO — The solar eclipse is scheduled for April 8, 2024, weather permitting. No rain date has been set, so check your calendars! Depending upon the location of your body relative to the location of the sun, you may or may not notice it getting darker midday April 8. If you do, don’t… Read more
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White House ice cream scandal now explained!
OLDFIELD, MO — BREAKING NEWS: The White House ice cream scandal is finally explained to me, Johnny Rooster, the publisher of the Christian County Trumpet! After weeks of attempting to contact the aging Chief Executive, to no avail, regarding his misuse of federal tax dollars for a new ice cream parlor added to the White… Read more
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“Doodoo” Process in the Ozark School District!
PATRON brings up proposal (CCT Photo) SCHOOL BOARD member shuts down proposal (CCT Photo) Doodoo Process in the Ozark School District, a screenplay (BASED ON A TRUE STORY) OPENING CAMERA ANGLE SHOWS The Exterior of the Ozark R-VI School District World Headquarters. Cut to interior shot of a long, narrow table, much longer than usual… Read more
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Santa vs. The Turkey
The neighborhood was quiet. Middle of the day. Everyone at work. ‘Cept for the dogs. They waited to bark at delivery people from behind closed doors. Only the hum of the inflatables. You know the inflatables. Anyone who’s ever been to Target, Walmart, Costco, or Sam’s Club sees them looming in Christmas (or Halloween) display… Read more
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A Tale of Two Santas
In the quiet little town, a celebration was in the works. On a warm, sunny November day, the little town kicked off its first Christmas market in its recently acquired event center. The old building and the little town were full of hope for a new Christmas season. The mayor got in on it, bringing… Read more
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Bring Your Popcorn to Courtroom Drama Now!
OzARK, MO — Not sure if popcorn will be allowed, but if you’re up for a good courtroom drama, come see The City of Sparta vs. Johnny Rooster at 1:30 p.m. Thursday, July 20 in Judge Doug Bacon’s courtroom in Ozark, MO. Courtroom Drama Plaintiff Former Sparta Mayor Jenni Davis, known for being dramatic and… Read more
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Perversion of Justice Part 2: Screen shots now don’t lie!
Part 2 of a perversion of justice involving Sparta police. Read more
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Guess what this guy does for a living?
A. Truck Driver B. Barstool Maker C. Dog Poop Shoveler D. Bowling Pro VILLAGE INN, OZARK, MO— Mrs. Rooster and I come breezing in at the top of the hill on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Kathy and David (pronounced Dah-VEED) greet us like returning heroes. (At Village Inn, everyone is treated like royalty!) “Two today?”… Read more
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New Sparta mayor, aldermen sworn in in front of The Great Wall
SPARTA,MO— Misty Holt was sworn in as new mayor of Sparta last night. About 35 people were in the audience. I ate too many cookies and drank too much punch afterwards. But that’s ‘cos I didn’t have supper. Scroll down to the bottom to see stuff I made fun of. It’s called comedy, so relax.… Read more
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And now, farewell, my friends!
OLDFIELD, MO — You’ve heard the saying, “all good things must come to an end.” Well, friends, fans, and enemies, it’s time to say: Farewell. I began publishing the Christian County Trumpet in mid August of last year. Since then, the blog site has seen approximately 46,000 views from nearly 19,000 visitors from around the… Read more
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CCT exclusive risky interview with Sparta Mayor!!
SPARTA, MO — Sparta isn’t just an ancient Greek historical site. No way, man! It’s a quiet little town nestled somewhere on Missouri Highways 125 and 14. There’s stuff going on. Like, stuff to manage and be Sparta mayor! So, being the hip, cool, Oldfield rural reporter guy that I am, I decided to break… Read more
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Part 3: Missouri hick goes alone to Mardi Gras New Orleans!
Rural Missouri hick gets a taste of New Orleans Mardi Gras all by his lonesome! Read more
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Legendary Sparta barber now offers wax job!
Painful truth “Wax job” isn’t on most men’s lists. However, most men start losing the hair on top of their head about the time they start growing it in other places. Noses and ears, for example. Legendary Sparta barber Adam Struble now offers ear and nose wax jobs for those ready for such luxuries. “It… Read more
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Lawyer on school board now poo-poos “nonsense” of the CCT
OZARK, MO — Jeff Laney, lawyer and member of the Ozark R-VI school board, reacted via e-mail to the “nonsense” of the CCT. Below is the interaction between CCT editor and publisher Johnny Rooster and Mr. Laney: Re-election decision nonsense Inbox Johnny Rooster <christiancountytrumpet@gmail.com> Jan 10, 2023, 2:31 PM (2 days ago) to JeffLaney Mr. Laney, Could… Read more
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Saga of a struggling new rock band
A new sound. A new band. Albeit, a struggling new rock band. Following is their story: The van won’t start. Again. Chesick slumps over an open hood. Steam rises like a morning fog from the gurgling guts of the radiator. The sudden blare of the horn sends him scrambling backward! From the driver’s seat, Bauman… Read more