CHRISTIAN COUNTY, MO — The primary election is Tuesday, August 6. It’s a crowded ballot on the Republican side. Time to weed out the candidates and inform my dedicated readers what I think.
I’ll start at the top of the ballot.
(Here is a previous article about the candidates)
U.S. SENATE
U.S. Senator Josh Hawley. He’s unopposed on the Republican ticket. He’s the senior senator representing the Show Me State.
I’ll give him a thumbs up. Some people get mad at him for appealing to the other side, but it’s how politics work. He is tough on securing our nation’s southern border and he’s doing a fine job.
GOVERNOR
Next, we have the Governor’s race. Contested. Mike Kehoe, Jay Ashcroft, and a distant third place runner, Bill Eigel.
Ashcroft is gonna squeak by a victory and surprise the big city liberals who want to lick Kehoe’s tax heavy boots. Ashcroft looks and acts too much like a George Bush Republican, like his dad did, and we need a more Trump era sharp edge; however, Eigel is too loose cannon and no real solutions. All scare tactics. So, Ashcroft it is.
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR
A quiet race, with no mudslinging. But then, lieutenant governor is like being a vice president. It doesn’t get more boring than that. Missouri would save a bundle if they eliminated this stupid, nonsensical position altogether.
It’ll be between Lincoln Hough and Dave Wasinger. Sucks, too, because Hough is the villain and Wasinger the hero in this story. True conservative Wasinger, however, has a dull name. Lincoln Hough has a bullet proof name. Lincoln. After Abraham, the biggest winner of the $5 bill contest, and worth every penny …Ha!
And Hough. As in, “I’ll HOUGH and puff and BLOOOOW yer house down, lil’ piggy!” Only thing better for Lincoln is if he changed the spelling of his last name to “Huff”…
Personally, I’ve had enough of Hough. He’s rough. He’s got all the wrong stuff. We need to call his bluff. That’s all the rhymes I could think of, off the cuff.
Dave Wasinger has a forget me name. I still don’t remember his name and had to look it up to write this article. And hey, I’m even voting for What’s-his-name Wasinger.
Boring!
SECRETRY OF STATE
Now that “Name Recognition” Jay Ashcroft is vacating the Secretary of State’s office in hopes for the GOP Gubernatorial Guruship, that left a bevy of vultures swooping in for his job. So many, you can’t count ’em all. One is a showgirl parading on social media where advertising is cheap. She wears boots and carries guns and says naughty words. Another one is serious and wants the job and will do the job well.
And again, like Lincoln Hough, he has a cool name. Shane Schoeller for Schecretary of Schtate.
Schee? I schaid his name was schpecial!
STATE TREASURER
A lot of candidates want this job, too. It boils down to three of them. Vivek what’s his name, Lori Rook, the local blonde, and the guy I will vote for but can’t remember his name. Let me look it up. Hold on.
Cody Smith.
Yeah, at the top of the list on the ballot. Vote for Cody Smith. He’s actually more conservative than Lori Rook, but don’t tell Maryam Mohammadkhani I said that. She’ll blow up my text feed.
I’d like to put Mohammadkhani in a room with someone she disagrees with and video record what happens. That would be comedy gold!
Honestly, Cody Smith won’t likely win. It’ll be a dog fight between Vivek, the Indian guy (NOT Ramaswamy, or however you spell it) and Lori Rook, the local favorite. If Either of those wins, it’s not a bad thing.
But vote for Cody Smith. Especially if Maryam M. doesn’t have your number!
ATTORNEY GENERAL
This is two men. Two good men. Two men with mudslinging and naysaying campaigns. Flip a coin and vote.
I am voting Bailey because he already has the job. If Sharf wins, it won’t bother me a bit. And, it’ll make Maryam super happy. She’s a super delegate, or a ringleader in the Republican party, so, what she says matters! (WARNING: Do NOT get on her naughty list!)
UNITED STATES REPRESENTATIVE DISTRICT 7
The names are a blur, except for the guy already in. Eric Burlison. Are the others even campaigning? Where are their signs? Burlison will win in a landslide! If he doesn’t, I’m voting for Maryam Mohammadkhani for president!
STATE SENATOR DISCTRICT 29
Mike Moon vs. Susan Haralson. Again, Moon will win. He’s already got the job and Haralson is a newbie. She recently got attacked for saying she doesn’t believe in the entire constitution, and tried to walk it back, but her naysayers were circling like schoolyard bullies, taunting her. Evern her supporter, an elected official, said she isn’t a good enough speaker to win this fight.
But, I like Susan. She brought bottled water to an event hosted by the Christian County Trumpet at the Sparta Library. I invited the local business owners and offered free Papa John’s Pizza and Village Inn pie, but after a long days’ work, those guys didn’t show up for a political forum. Just the die hards. Like, preaching to the choir. Every political gathering has the same die hards, none of the independents or undecideds.
I’d still hang out with Susan Haralson. I don’t care. I like Mike, as the shirts say, and he has a better mustache than Susan ever will, true.
But, Susan is gutsy for running against such a popular incumbent. Makes me wonder why in the world do people like her take such lengths to lose an election? Brave indeed.
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STATE REPRESENTATIVE DISTRICT 140
Jamie Gragg. I didn’t even know Danny Garrison was in the race. I get him mixed up with retiring Assessor Danny Gray. Danny who? I know Danny Garrison must be a cool guy, but he hates campaigning. Therefore, we won’t even remember his name is on the ballot, unless we are his friend or relative.
Jamie Gragg does a fantastic job. He stands up for Missouri children. And so much more. Just ask his older brother. On second thought, don’t.
STATE REP DISTRICT 138
Tom Franiak. He’s a smart businessman, endorsed by Jamie Gragg.
Burt Whaley is a good man, but he isn’t ready for the job.
However, I like Burt. I would be his friend, and the friend of his friends. Just because I wouldn’t vote for you doesn’t mean I don’t like you.
I wouldn’t vote for me either, because I’m too compulsive and reckless. So, there ya go.
CIRCUIT JUDGE
Yawn. This job should be elected by having a campaign, not an appointment. Why do we even have to vote on a judge? Power hungry. Don’t have to campaign. No opponent. I am leaving that one blank.
EASTERN DISTRICT COMMISSIONER
I like Jess Hodges. I met him recently. I didn’t introduce myself, for obvious reasons. And, Mark Jenkins is his treasurer. He’s a good treasurer. He is a bank president. And a school board president. And, I’d be president of his fan club, but Mark and I have had a falling out over political school board stuff.
This isn’t about Mark. It’s about his man, Jess. Jess is not going to win. People like him, but his own dad won’t let him put his sign in their insurance office in Sparta. That’s mean.
If his dad is that scared of people, I’m not voting for Jess. I’m voting for his incumbent opponent, Bradley Alan Jackson, who could have saved space and said Brad Jackson, but that’s not enough of a country music star thing.
I like Mark. I like Jess. I like Brad. It’s good to remember we are all Republicans, all Christian Countians, all Christians, all have families, all care about our community. I don’t like fighting with people! I may not vote for you, Jess, but good luck!
SHERIFF
Unopposed.
Nobody else wants the job. So, Brad Cole has had that job a long time. And he knows how to do it. He is quiet, but he is accessible. I like Brad Cole. He’s like the kid in class who never causes trouble and never asks any questions. And he would share his lunch with you.
ASSESSOR
Jeremy Burns is the Deputy Assessor. He will win. He was learned so much from Danny Gray. I like the other ladies running, but they won’t win. But they are still super nice and knowledgeable, too. Be nice to them, and be their friend, but vote for Jeremy.
I don’t know the other candidates, except the Coroner Mandi Yoder-Armitage.
She is so good at her job. She cares about families when they lose a loved one. She is a counselor and a guide. Vote for her twice.
Oh, wait, I know the new Treasurer. Melissa Bilyeu. She learned from the best, Karen Matthews. Karen is retiring. So, Melissa is unopposed, but I wish she had to work to earn the job. I wish Aaron Johns would have run for it so we could mock him one more time and expose him for the low life he is.
Public Administrator? Hmm. I know nothing about that one.
Vote NO on the two amendments. Keep the government out of our money. Disregard the YES indicated in the photo below. I changed my mind.
Vote August 6!
