Did you know that Ozark R-VI School District uses your tax dollars to pay for a high-powered attorney from a snazzy wazzy law firm in St. Louis to keep teachers from getting anywhere if they have a serious concern?
Yeah. There’s no way hard-working, well-intentioned, award-winning teachers have a chance. The legal cards are stacked against ’em.
Just who is pulling the strings and telling school administrators and board members in Ozark what to do?
Celynda L. Brasher, a founding shareholder of Tueth, Keeney, Cooper, Mohan and Jackstadt, PC Attorney Big Wigs way over in faraway and uppity wuppity St. Louie.
By the freakin’ way, WHERE do these BIG WHUMPITY THUMPITY Law Firms get these absurd partner names? Wow, it’s like this:
Law Firm Audition Judge: What’s your name, young man?
Law Firm Candidate: Jones, sir.
LFAJ: What?
LFC: It’s Jones. Gadomere Jones.
LFAJ: Well, Mr. Jones, there’s no way you can LEAD a law firm, with a name like that.
LFC: You can call me Gad.
LFAJ: No, no, no! Not your FIRST name, Gadomere! Your LAST name!
LFC: Sir?
LFAJ: (leans in) You obviously have no clue how law firm names come about. You lead with a goofy name, a strange name, then add another strange name, then, and ONLY then, can you drop the name “Jones, Brown, Smith, Anderson, Nelson, Cooper, etc.” into the mix, but you MUST follow it up with an outrageous name that beats all the others in absurdity. Understand?
LFC: (instinctively loosens tie as sweat beads appear on his forehead) Not actually, sir.
LFAJ: Lemme give you an example of a GOOD law firm name, son. Cluther, Hivensby, Lawrence, and Peckerpeach.
Say it out loud for me!
LFC: Uh, say what, sir?
LFAJ: The prestigious law firm name I just quoted! (Grows impatient, motions for candidate to say the names along with him). Cluther, Hivensby, (the kid joins him on the third name) Lawrence, and Peckerpeach.
LFAJ: Now THAT’S a law firm. Take another one here in St. Louis, a firm that protects school districts from teachers and other riffraff. Tueth, Keeney, Cooper, Mohan & Jackstadt. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
And these firm partners can hire hit men and hit women to do the dirty work and rake in exorbitant fees from stupid school districts, like the one in Ozark, where they assigned Celynda L. Brasher. She’s great at her job. Always knows how to legally maneuver around complaints the teachers in Ozark come up with.
Like, for example, this Major Pain in the Ass Major Danny guy in Ozark. He’s a real corker. A real specimen. Between you and me, kid, he’s smarter than all of us lawyers put together, but that’s what makes Ms. Brasher so damned good at her job. She can convince the school board and administrators that she can do no wrong, regardless of the undeniable logic and integrity of Major Danny.
(He scoots back to enjoy a belly laugh that makes his tie jiggle like a bowl of Jell-O in a hurricane.)
LFC: What does Ms. Brasher do for the Ozark district? Does she go to school board meetings and get involved in Ozark’s personnel nitty-gritty?
LFAJ: Hell no, son! She bills them by the hour! She doesn’t have time to see people! She sits in her high powered office and fires away with e-mails and legalese. She schedules well-crafted conference calls with their superintendent, Dr. Chris Bauman. Bauman’s all puffed up and full of himself; the perfect front man to collect millions in tax dollars for his big, fat school district and not have ANYONE on the school board question him. Ever! Which means more money for the attorneys!
The board is SUPPOSSED to be elected by the public to look after the interests of the students and their families, but it’s JUST THE OPPOSITE!
(Laughs again, so loudly his fat face turns beet red before straightening up and regaining his composure) So, tell me, kid, can you lie, cheat, and take advantage of schoolteachers to protect the school district from scrutiny?
LFC: Well… how much does it pay?
LFAJ: (eyes shining) more in a month than you’ve ever made in a year!
LFC: (Swallows, then sits upright) Hell yes! Count me in, sir! I can’t wait to get tips from Celynda L. Brasher on how to cover up for indiscretions and lies perpetuated by the Superintendent Dr. Chris Bauman in Ozark, Missouri!
LFAJ: Ok, son, you’re hired. But remember, with a name like Jones, you’ll never make senior partner.